I've wondered recently whether my outlook hasn't reached a ridiculous level of pessimism. I can't really see good in anything. I know depression can inspire an inaccurate view of one's self and the world, and in some cases can even lead to delusion. What worries me the most is that I often feel convinced that the way I see things is the absolute most correct way, and basically everyone else is deluded. Not usually a good sign of mental stability or objectivity...
Am I just a few bad days away from disconnecting with reality? Will I snap one day and just go out and set fire to things?
A part of me is perversely delighted to know that I'm basically perfect supervillain material. I'm smart, creative, technical, nihilistic, unstable, and sometimes wish I could destroy the whole world. I'm a menace just waiting to happen!
I don't think I'm off my rocker yet, but sometimes it seems like I can feel my mind being bent by the constant pressure of my desperate dissatisfaction, boredom, and self-loathing.
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Boy. So much to say and so hard to use the internet on this device... I've often felt most of the world was deluded. And I've prayed, begged and ingested massive amounts of things i would not recommend in search of such a delusion. For me, depression goes back as far as i can remember. maybe it'll help to hear: I still struggle with depression. I still feel it physically and emotionally. However, in the past two years or so it has gotten easier mentally. I am learning to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteI must agree you'd make a splendid villain, but you also make an admirable hero. It's your choice which to be. Either one takes more energy than i have when things get bad.
But please, don't start any fires. not this year. love you!
I agree with K, I think you'd make an admirable hero. :)
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