Sunday, July 29, 2012

Grrr, Hate Hate Hate

I like to follow the news and stuff.  Sometimes it takes a great deal of effort, though, not to get very frustrated with people I don't agree with.

Today, though, I noticed that I've begun just hating everyone... not just those I think are wrong, but anyone involved at all in any debate.  Why?  I don't know.  I kind of hate humanity for sucking so bad at coming to consensus or figuring out what is actually going on.  For fighting so much over so many things.

So go ahead, world.  Start stupid wars.  Hate people who never did you any wrong.  Let politics decide your opinions instead of evidence.  Slaughter innocents in the name of your religious 'message of peace.'  Debate and argue and insult and blame and curse and fight and condemn and deny.
The more moral we think we are, the more aggressive the violence we direct at others.
I can try to ignore it all, but that won't make it go away... given the chance to destroy the world, to completely obliterate the species, I'd do it just to SHUT YOU UP.

Anyway, I think moving from general disdain for certain opinions to complete hatred of the entire human race is a big step in my movement toward becoming a super-villain.  It's nice to be able to share these milestones with the world via my blog.

This is it!

I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks.  And I don't think I'll be going back...

This is awesome! I'm... "less-active!"  I'm a wandering soul, an apostate, a seed who sprung up but was choked by the lying weeds of the world!  Wooo!

Honestly, despite all the hype, I don't feel much different.  It's just an annoying thing I don't have to drag myself out to every Sunday.

So... personal inventory time:
Am I offended?   Well, sometimes, especially at really stupid stuff, but not recently.
Am I sinning?    Not going to church is in itself a sin, right?  As is speaking evil of the lord's anointed?  So yeah, I guess... but that seems like a chicken/egg problem.  Naturally, if leaving the church is a sin, all those who leave must be sinning.

I hope I don't become the center of any "rescue efforts."  I'll just have to learn to politely and firmly tell people that "Oh, I'm not interested in coming to church."

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Why is Suicide "Not the Answer?"

When you see discussions about suicide on the web, you always get folks saying it's "not the answer."  That it is "not an option."  Like they know what they're talking about.

I will bet you $100 that not one of these people has succeeded in committing suicide.  That's the problem, no one knows if it's a good option, because frankly anyone who's done it is unavailable for comment.
Sure you can talk about failed attempts and the misery they cause, but I feel like that's beating around the bush a little.

People talk about how permanent suicide is, but usually the discussion doesn't go into the fact that death is always permanent.  And we will all die.  Sometimes it seems to me that the only way to escape our utter powerlessness in the face of our own mortality would be to choose the time and manner of our death, and take care of it immediately.

"Things will get better" is another thing people say.  Will they?  How do you know?
"You have so much to live for."  Do I?  How the hell do you presume to know that?

I find more and more that I admire the stigmatized and pitied in society... the ones who took their own lives rather than try to force themselves back down into a delusional dream of immortality and relevance.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Teaching Elders' Quorum Tomorrow

Yup, you read it, I am teaching in church tomorrow.  Chapter 13 from the manual, about sharing the fucking gospel (pardon my fucking French).

I feel like I have to blaspheme here on my blog, just to balance it out.  But that seems pretty cowardly.  I'm really sick of my complete lack of integrity.  I can't live by any of the principles I believe in, just by what I believed once.  Damn my past self for getting me into this mess, and damn my present self for being a coward.

Shit shit shit.  There's nothing... nothing to do about all this.
I don't even really care enough to hate the church now... I think I'm done with that.  Sure, I disagree with a bunch of stuff the church says and does, but really, whatever.
I just want to be gone, and done, and away from all the expectations that I'm something or I believe something or anything like that.

Oh good god, I just want to die.  Yes, I just took the lord's name in vain, and if he's up there keeping score, he can add it to the pile of my offenses, go ahead.  If you, imaginary person who reads this blog, are offended, sorry, but that confuses me.  I didn't take your name in vain, after all.  And if it's your god, well, I'll bet your beliefs specify that his powers include the ability to take care of his goddamned self, so don't mind this little blasphemer pouring obscenity into his own little godforsaken corner of the cloud.  Seriously, if you don't like that or gay sex or booze or blood transfusions, awesome, just don't do it, motherfucker!  Nobody is trying to make you do it.  Just go away, imaginary critic, and leave me to my damnation.

Anyway, I'm tired.  Tired of being nothing drifting through a life of broken promises and the shattered bits of goals and dreams past.  Blah blah blah, I'm so tired and shit and all that totally original stuff I always whine about.

Anyway.  I'll probably teach a very normal Elders' quorum lesson tomorrow.  There's probably a 5% chance that I freak out in the middle and just walk out, leaving my unfortunate EQ president with 10 minutes of time to fill because it's not about substance at church, oh no, it's about FILLING EVERY MOTHERFUCKING SECOND FOR THREE GODDAMN HOURS, BITCH!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Losing my Mind?

I've wondered recently whether my outlook hasn't reached a ridiculous level of pessimism.  I can't really see good in anything.  I know depression can inspire an inaccurate view of one's self and the world, and in some cases can even lead to delusion.  What worries me the most is that I often feel convinced that the way I see things is the absolute most correct way, and basically everyone else is deluded.  Not usually a good sign of mental stability or objectivity...

Am I just a few bad days away from disconnecting with reality?  Will I snap one day and just go out and set fire to things?

A part of me is perversely delighted to know that I'm basically perfect supervillain material.  I'm smart, creative, technical, nihilistic, unstable, and sometimes wish I could destroy the whole world.  I'm a menace just waiting to happen!

I don't think I'm off my rocker yet, but sometimes it seems like I can feel my mind being bent by the constant pressure of my desperate dissatisfaction, boredom, and self-loathing.