Monday, February 27, 2012

Spinning My Wheels

I've written several posts lately and ended up not posting them.  It feels like I'm spinning my wheels as far as life is concerned...  I want to change the world but find myself impotent.

I feel trapped, for the most part.  My brother is getting married very soon, and my mother has been pressuring me to see if I can't get a temple recommend.  I think today I'm going to call her and tell her there is no way that is going to happen.

Anyone who says the church strengthens families is full of shit.  The church happily tears families apart when it suits the church's dogmas and agendas.

School blows.  I need to get out of this damn place, but I keep pushing back graduation because my damned depression has sabotaged my academic performance for the last two years.  I feel so fucking trapped that I entertain thoughts of offing myself every day.

I'm a wreck.  I suppose I'm a disgrace to atheists, agnostics, and apostates everywhere, because I've been consistently less happy since I gave up on faith.  But I'll be damned if I go back to believing contradictory statements simultaneously just to make myself feel better.
Damn the church and its lies.  It's like an addiction I can't get over, that feeling of absolute truth and simple moral reality.  The feeling of objective meaning.  Damn them all for promising peace where there is none.
Damn them for speaking of rest where there is only death.
Damn them for teaching me to hate myself for being less-than-perfect.
Damn them for their precious "Atonement" and "Grace" and all the other righteous bullshit that they use to tell those who suffer that their pain isn't real.
And damn me for taking it all so fucking seriously that I have been no more than half of a man ever since I figured out that all of it is fantasy.