Wednesday, March 13, 2013

It is Never Over

My immediate family all knows about and has accepted my apostasy.  My Mom's side loves to gossip so anyone remotely interested almost certainly knows, but my Dad's side is more scattered, larger, and more discreet in general (after all of the shit that's happened to my Dad and his siblings, it's not surprising.  They are a good example of how life likes to kick even the best people in the nads repeatedly).

My wife and I visited my Dad's mother over the weekend, and for the first time I found myself dodging around questions.  I don't really want to tell her, because I think it will really disappoint her, even though I know she would love and accept me anyway.  We went to church with her and I didn't take the sacrament, and I'm pretty sure she noticed.  So now I'm thinking about letting her know.  Hell, maybe I'll just issue a general announcement on Facebook and never log on again.

Anyway, it never seems to end.  My friends and family are all so invested in the church that my lack of belief creates constant pain, awkwardness, or hiding.  I'm pretty sick of it.  Although, to be honest, I'm sick of everything.  I realize I have nothing to offer this world, but it pretty much goes both ways.  I have half a mind to drive over to Harbor Freight and pick up a canister of Argon gas, pipe that sucker into a plastic bag over my head, and let asphyxia gently carry me away into nonexistence.  But, the missus has the car today, and I'm not quite cruel enough to ask my home teacher to help me pick it up "for a project I'm working on."