Yup, you read it, I am teaching in church tomorrow. Chapter 13 from the manual, about sharing the fucking gospel (pardon my fucking French).
I feel like I have to blaspheme here on my blog, just to balance it out. But that seems pretty cowardly. I'm really sick of my complete lack of integrity. I can't live by any of the principles I believe in, just by what I believed once. Damn my past self for getting me into this mess, and damn my present self for being a coward.
Shit shit shit. There's nothing... nothing to do about all this.
I don't even really care enough to hate the church now... I think I'm done with that. Sure, I disagree with a bunch of stuff the church says and does, but really, whatever.
I just want to be gone, and done, and away from all the expectations that I'm something or I believe something or anything like that.
Oh good god, I just want to die. Yes, I just took the lord's name in vain, and if he's up there keeping score, he can add it to the pile of my offenses, go ahead. If you, imaginary person who reads this blog, are offended, sorry, but that confuses me. I didn't take your name in vain, after all. And if it's your god, well, I'll bet your beliefs specify that his powers include the ability to take care of his goddamned self, so don't mind this little blasphemer pouring obscenity into his own little godforsaken corner of the cloud. Seriously, if you don't like that or gay sex or booze or blood transfusions, awesome, just don't do it, motherfucker! Nobody is trying to make you do it. Just go away, imaginary critic, and leave me to my damnation.
Anyway, I'm tired. Tired of being nothing drifting through a life of broken promises and the shattered bits of goals and dreams past. Blah blah blah, I'm so tired and shit and all that totally original stuff I always whine about.
Anyway. I'll probably teach a very normal Elders' quorum lesson tomorrow. There's probably a 5% chance that I freak out in the middle and just walk out, leaving my unfortunate EQ president with 10 minutes of time to fill because it's not about substance at church, oh no, it's about FILLING EVERY MOTHERFUCKING SECOND FOR THREE GODDAMN HOURS, BITCH!
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Dude, that sucks, how the hell did you get coerced into that?
ReplyDeleteIf you are feeling you're on the verge of a breakdown, here's something to consider:
BYU does employ professional psychiatrists (psychologists?) as a resource for students, and as any medical profession, they are bound to the laws of patient confidentiality.
You should go to a sanctuary of science more often.
Do you go on /r/exmormon at all?
Ugh. I'm sorry you felt you had to do that The thought makes me feel dirty, znd not in a good way. Hope you survived relatively unscathed. I agree with AC. A sanctuary of science sounds nice. I wanna go.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling this way. BYU has the damaging policy of kicking you out if you express your disaffection, so I don't know if it's pure cowardice so much as wise self-preservation. I think when you leave BYU you'll find that so many of these pressures you're feeling will disappear. It's BYU that's creating these expectations and limitations and consequences for not following them. Independent of BYU, you don't have to go to church and you don't have to stay quiet instead of expressing your true feelings. This isn't an eternal thing. Perhaps transferring, like you mentioned in a previous post, really is the best option.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Meg I don't think its cowardice at all. Cowardice would be not addressing the issues in the first place. I am however curious as to how the lesson went?
ReplyDeleteThe lesson was decent. I kinda gave a lesson about being a missionary by being nice to people rather than bugging them about your church, and it was reasonably well-received. I was nervous, though. I don't like it, and usually I actually enjoy teaching.
DeleteBeing asked to teach a lesson on that topic was one of the last straws that finally made me formally leave the church. I might have stomached something generic like faith, service or charity, but not stuff like missionary work or modern prophets. I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. One of the worst things someone could ever do to you is ask you to teach on missionary work! How offensive.
Delete(If you didn't notice that was sarcasm. Did it occur to you that you could have just said 'No'?)
I don't understand what the problem is here. Nobody coerced you into going to BYU, or staying at BYU, or going to church, or accepting an assignment to teach.
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to parade around campus pretending to be an upstanding member of the church so that you can stay in school, then be prepared to do those things that can be reasonably expected of members of the church. If you're not prepared to do that, then man up and transfer to another school and stop going to church. And for hell's sake, stop whining.
well said.
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