Yup, you read it, I am teaching in church tomorrow. Chapter 13 from the manual, about sharing the fucking gospel (pardon my fucking French).
I feel like I have to blaspheme here on my blog, just to balance it out. But that seems pretty cowardly. I'm really sick of my complete lack of integrity. I can't live by any of the principles I believe in, just by what I believed once. Damn my past self for getting me into this mess, and damn my present self for being a coward.
Shit shit shit. There's nothing... nothing to do about all this.
I don't even really care enough to hate the church now... I think I'm done with that. Sure, I disagree with a bunch of stuff the church says and does, but really, whatever.
I just want to be gone, and done, and away from all the expectations that I'm something or I believe something or anything like that.
Oh good god, I just want to die. Yes, I just took the lord's name in vain, and if he's up there keeping score, he can add it to the pile of my offenses, go ahead. If you, imaginary person who reads this blog, are offended, sorry, but that confuses me. I didn't take your name in vain, after all. And if it's your god, well, I'll bet your beliefs specify that his powers include the ability to take care of his goddamned self, so don't mind this little blasphemer pouring obscenity into his own little godforsaken corner of the cloud. Seriously, if you don't like that or gay sex or booze or blood transfusions, awesome, just don't do it, motherfucker! Nobody is trying to make you do it. Just go away, imaginary critic, and leave me to my damnation.
Anyway, I'm tired. Tired of being nothing drifting through a life of broken promises and the shattered bits of goals and dreams past. Blah blah blah, I'm so tired and shit and all that totally original stuff I always whine about.
Anyway. I'll probably teach a very normal Elders' quorum lesson tomorrow. There's probably a 5% chance that I freak out in the middle and just walk out, leaving my unfortunate EQ president with 10 minutes of time to fill because it's not about substance at church, oh no, it's about FILLING EVERY MOTHERFUCKING SECOND FOR THREE GODDAMN HOURS, BITCH!