When you see discussions about suicide on the web, you always get folks saying it's "not the answer." That it is "not an option." Like they know what they're talking about.
I will bet you $100 that not one of these people has succeeded in committing suicide. That's the problem, no one knows if it's a good option, because frankly anyone who's done it is unavailable for comment.
Sure you can talk about failed attempts and the misery they cause, but I feel like that's beating around the bush a little.
People talk about how permanent suicide is, but usually the discussion doesn't go into the fact that death is always permanent. And we will all die. Sometimes it seems to me that the only way to escape our utter powerlessness in the face of our own mortality would be to choose the time and manner of our death, and take care of it immediately.
"Things will get better" is another thing people say. Will they? How do you know?
"You have so much to live for." Do I? How the hell do you presume to know that?
I find more and more that I admire the stigmatized and pitied in society... the ones who took their own lives rather than try to force themselves back down into a delusional dream of immortality and relevance.
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Dave, I doubt anyone would encourage you to take your own life as an answer to what you're going through. I certainly don't recommend it. I would think, though, that people like us who view this life as IT—no more, no less—would do whatever it takes to make it what we want it to be. If you want to say, "Fuck BYU, I'm done with it," then switch schools. I can think of some circumstances where I would consider taking my own life, but if you're young, healthy, and have potential, then make life what you want it to be. As for the "delusional dream of immortality and relevance," yes, you and I may not ever have "immortality," and I'm talking the Shakespeare kind, and our lives may not have relevance in the broader scheme of things, but that doesn't mean they're worthless, or completely irrelevant either. What you do or say does affect other people. I don't know you, but that you are considering such a final act affects me and makes me worried for you. Anyway, you are right that I don't know if things will get better or what your future will be like, but I do believe that you can make choices now to change your environment and probably boost your quality of life. I hope you will consider that.
ReplyDeleteI'm worried about you and I care. You sound like you're in a dark, dangerous place I have visited before.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if things WILL get better, but they CAN get better, there's a good chance. The odds are in your favor for at least some periodic improvement, if not a long-term fix. I agree with Korihor that there are choices you can make to change your environment (and brain chemistry) and increase the odds of improvement. Your life is highly relevant to me and all of our families. From my perspective, there are also good reasons to stay alive besides short-term happiness levels. I hope you choose to stick it out.
If you're seeing a therapist, I hope he/she is checking in on tools for short-term mood enhancement (e.g., exercise/sleep, what's going well, strengths, conscious kindness). My own depression treatment wallowed too much in what was wrong or what caused it, and I hope you're getting a better balance.
Please take care of yourself. I would be glad to talk any time if you're interested.
I thought a lot about my own feelings as I read this. So much I want to say, but so hard to type on my kindle. For now, know I love you. And I am grateful for each day that you put up with all the shit you're dealing with for my own selfish reasons. Thank you for your fight.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know that I think I have felt what you feel here before. It is so shitty. My wife insists that she take the kids to church every Sunday and she won't stop bearing her testimony to me. I feel like a total failure. However, I discovered that taking it one day at a time has helped. I have had to try and redirect my anger a little bit. This has helped somewhat. I also discovered that my mood improved when I started taking vitamin D supplements. I now realize that I was depressed and I needed help. I feel much better now. Yeah, things are still shitty, but at least I am not so focused on it any more and it doesn't feel like the whole world is crashing down on me any more. I wish you the best and concur with the comments above. I feel for you and am pulling for you. All the best!
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this post. I feel exactly the same way you do - it's nice to know that others feel the same way. I like how honest this is and how it cuts through all the bullshit that most people suggest.
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog and I have to say I love how honest you are. Your friends who have commented seem great and I love what they've said.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever seen feministmormonhousewives.org? It helped me through a very painful faith transition. It's not just for women.
As to suicide, I fantasize about it as an escape from physical pain, but I've never taken those fantasies seriously. I guess that means I can't exactly say I know how you feel. Then again, no two people ever know how each other feels, do they? Anyway, sending some love your way.
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So how exactly is suicide bad? Depends on the situation am I correct?If you are the cause of pain and you suicide how exactly is that selfish/bad? Especially when you die the pain of others stop for that reason. I do understand why some people think suicide is bad because some children do it for such immature reasons.If im trapped in a cage and being tortured and there is a 1% chance of escape. Why not suicide? Especially if im going to be killed after all of that torture.But for kids who attempt to kill themselves for something like facebook cyber bullies that's insane. They're just trying to show up to the bullies.
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