This is it, I'm going to drop out of school. I'm going to go discuss my options with an academic adviser in a few minutes, but I just can't keep this up. I can't keep going to BYU, and I'll need a break from school in general. I also can't keep going to church. It's going to kill me if I stay stuck in this situation any longer.
I should have done this a long time ago, instead of wait until my very sanity started circling the drain.
I don't intend to go out with a fuss, just quietly walk away from all this. Maybe I can finish my degree soon at UVU or Utah or something.
Several folks I've mentioned my intentions to have expressed surprise and disapproval, especially since I seem so close to graduation. But I've come to believe that my approach toward graduation is currently asymptotic; I will never actually get there from here.
What do I intend to do with life? Hell if I know. For now, just survive. I'd love to say this was all about some high-minded ideal, but mostly it's just survival.
UPDATE:
I'm so close, but so far. The adviser thinks I should either finish or take a break and come back, but either way I have to go to church. I think maybe I should kill myself, that will solve all of the problems.
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I'm sorry that your sanity is crumbling, but I'm glad that you've realized the best decision for you. I have been in your place and have planned to do the same thing (but even though I chose not to go through with it of course doesn't mean that it's not the right choice for you). People who disapprove are making assumptions and can't know exactly what it's like to be in your place.
ReplyDeleteI hope this change becomes a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a light that never goes out (at least, that's what the Smiths say).
I dropped out of BYU-I after two semesters; BYU-I is just absolutely depressing, so how you've managed to last so long at BYU is a tribute to your mental endurance and determination.
ReplyDeleteYou need to unwind, get away from all the morg insanity and do something you love for once, like SCIENCE!
The transistor calls...
heh, yeah, I haven't been around in a long time.
DeleteDo you feel that going to church requires you to pretend you're someone else? Perhaps some of the pressure of being there would be alleviated if you felt you could be honest? Just a thought, but I assume being there is enough from the school's perspective. ...should you choose to stick it out, of course.
ReplyDeleteI dropped out of the Y close to graduation, just last semester. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make, but I am already realizing that it was the right one. I kept thinking that things would get better, that I'd figure it out and be able to push through. Instead, things continually got worse until until there was no way I was going to be able to finish. I have to keep telling myself that there is so much time left. I am really young, and I'm guessing you are too. What better time to turn over a new leaf?
ReplyDeleteThe decision is still new and causes a lot of raised eyebrows and uncomfortable questions, but what an immense relief it is simply not having to go to church anymore. I can't deny the feeling of a huge burden being lifted. Wishing you all the best, whatever you end up deciding to do.
Hang in there - and just remember, you need to do what is best for you. I stopped believing when I was sixteen, tried to hang in there in terms of church attendance until I graduated high school. The effect was pretty near devastating. Even with the fallout that came after I left, it was still a million times better than going to church and feeling like the biggest liar in the world.
ReplyDeleteI love how you write - your asymptotic approach to graduating is very vivid!
ReplyDeleteIt's too bad the decision and church attendance still linger for a while. Church attendance was toxic for me during the transition (and still is on occasion), and I didn't even face the same pressure of having a potential degree hanging in the balance. Good luck reaching closure, and your East coast fan club totally supports you either way.