We Hate Thee, Oh God, For Your "Prophet"

Someone who I have come to consider a good friend approached me today and told me that, in a nutshell, he no longer believes in Mormonism or Christianity, and god isn't looking too hot either.  I have been pretty open with this friend about my own beliefs (or lack thereof).  I was surprised, because he was always debating me with the more Christian/Mormon stance, and while I had no intention of attacking his faith, I have always enjoyed a good debate.

We talked for a while today.  He told me about the hurt feelings he has, the immediate rift that has seemed to form between him and his family.  It was like I was listening to myself from just a few months ago.  To be honest, I'm still quite shell-shocked, and I hope things go better for my friend.

My feelings are mixed.  I am delighted at the prospect of having a friend around who thinks like me.  I remember how lonely I was all those months ago.  I'm also glad that myself and another friend were around and known to this friend of mine, so he can hopefully feel a little less alone.
At the same time, I feel a little sad.  I know it's stupid, but I feel like I helped get my friend into this process by being vocal about my own qualms with faith.  I don't want to destroy anyone's faith if it makes them happy, so I try to be careful.  In addition, I know how hard the process can be.  My life has gone to pieces in the last year, in some respects, and I wouldn't wish the emptiness and confusion I've felt on anyone.

I know I cussed and ranted about this recently, but this is what I feel the most anger about toward the church.  The fact that it lied to me for 20-something years, and I gave it everything, and now I can't even be open with the people around me because of the church.  There is a whole huge part of what I was that is gone, and I've spent the last several months gradually picking up the pieces.  I still have a long way to do.  How dare they do that to me?  How dare they do it to anyone?

Can I blame disillusionment on the perpetrators of the illusion?  I guess I can't really, since they are operating under the illusion themselves.  Except for Joseph Freaking Smith, and his freaking friends who helped him start a freaking false religion that would one day make so many miserable.  And even the credulous fools who followed them.
I was brought up to believe... I was trained pretty hard-core.  Those people?  My ancestors who joined the church?  They believed all the insane stuff the church claims after reaching adulthood and having a decent amount of experience.  Believed that charlatan Smith and his henchmen.

But... I guess we're all looking for something in life, and I can't fault someone who tries to find it.  After all, I held out for decades against frequent doubts, because it was all I knew to rely on.
So... I guess my ancestors did what was right by them, which is all we can ever ask.
Smith?  Power-grubbing deluded liar?  He sucked, and he was a scumbag.

I Am Sucks!

That's how my Japanese companions would have said it.

Normally, I stick to issues in this blog, but occasionally I just complain about life.
This is one of those times!

I used to pull a 4.0 almost every semester, and not in super easy classes, either.  At the same time, I was working one or two jobs, and always taking at least 14 credits (as stipulated by the scholarship I once had...)

I was freaking good!  I even managed to be social and pursue a few of my hobbies during that time!

Now?  I can't do jack-shit.  I'm already in school half-time, and I'm totally failing my classes.  I suck at both of my current jobs, and I know at least one of my supervisors is a little frustrated by me.  I avoid people a lot of days.  I've been skipping class several times in a row recently.  And these are classes I should like!
I don't help my wife around the house enough, either.

So maybe it's been a rough year, losing my religious beliefs and all.  I'm still working on forming opinions and reconstructing my life plan based on this new information.  I have no idea where my place is.
I'm on two drugs for depression to keep me from offing myself.  I'm on one more drug to lessen the awful insomnia that has come along with everything else, and it makes me really groggy for the first part of the day.

I have no motivation, no dreams, really.  Life is boring, a constant stress and anxiety but not interesting.  The pills keep the edge off of the most horrible bits of depression, but they do nothing for my motivation.  They just numb me, I guess.  Which is still preferable to the alternative.

And I just know that if my more pious acquaintances read this, they would tell me that it is a direct result of my rejecting the gospel.
To anyone who might think that way:  Yeah, my depression got really bad and I started sucking at life about the same time I finally started giving up on those beliefs.
BUT!  There are lots of people who don't accept your precious gospel that do just fine in life.  In fact, most happy people are probably not Mormon!  Correlation is not causation, my friends.
And if this can be regarded as god's "punishment" for "betraying" him, god sucks.  That god could have been a character in Mean Girls.  I tried damn hard to contact this dude, and nothing meaningful came of it.

I think that religion is partially responsible for my becoming  a complete basket case;  I was raised with a firm belief in a worldview that I can no longer accept.  My life plan, opinions, and actions were all made to fit this worldview and its supposed "truth."  This huge chunk of what defined me is now completely, utterly gone.
Had I grown up learning, I don't know, that I should take what anyone sets up as absolute truth with a grain of salt, maybe I wouldn't have to go through this ongoing crisis.  But I guess there's no use trying to shut that barn door now.


It was all a freaking lie!  I mean, the people who told it to me almost certainly believed it, but the whole thing is a crock.  I spent so much of my life on a freaking mythology.  I bothered thousands of people in Japan, trying to persuade them to accept something for no good reason at all.  I was a self-righteous little bastard as a kid, an adolescent, and even a young adult.  Because I thought that I had the truth.

THERE IS ALMOST CERTAINLY NO CHRISTIAN GOD!  JESUS CHRIST IS DEAD AND DECOMPOSED AND IS NOT COMING BACK!  DAMN IT, WORLD, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE ME TO BELIEVE LIES?!

I spent two years in my prime and a lot of money on a DEAD GUY!

And now I have to suffer just because I happen to be interested in truth.  Like my RELIGION freaking TAUGHT ME TO BE!


I don't intend to be a lifelong opponent of the church or anything... not my bag.  Sure, I'll be a critic, and I'll be there in a blink for anyone is the process of becoming disillusioned.  But I can sure as hell understand why so many ex-Mormons "can't leave the church alone."
The church sucked me dry!  The church has helped ruin a good deal of my life!  And they are doing the same to young people who might end up like me some day!

I hate religion.  Normally I'm pretty level-headed about my atheism, but right now I'm obviously ranting and raving because all this shit has been building up inside me for a while.  And right now I freaking HATE religion.  And if there is a conscious omnipotent being who is basically human and actually pays attention to the world, he can go to hell (unless I'm there, then he can stay the hell out).  Seriously... if the Christian god exists, he SUCKS.  And he can go boil his holy head.

Okay, I took a minute and calmed down.  Woof... I didn't really mean for this to turn into a rage-fest.

In any case, depression sucks, religion sucks, and life sucks.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect 200 happiness.  Reality is your jail, and you can't roll doubles in life.

Irate Letter

I know this is the third post I'm putting up today, but I finally got around to sending an anonymous email to the Honor Code office.
It read as follows:


I am a current student at BYU.  I am technically LDS.  I have lost my faith, but I am still required to attend church and keep my true feelings hidden.  I am not engaged in any Honor Code violations, but there is no way for me to change my religious status and maintain my enrollment because I am LDS.  Were I officially of any other persuasion, I know for a fact that I could easily change my religious status.


I am not the only one in this situation.  We feel that this situation is unjust.


You should know that there are students among the student body who cannot speak their minds in class.
You had better tell your bishops to start "discerning" a little better, because we are among you, spreading our evil and subversive atheist ideas among the student body.  If we could openly be atheist, no religious person would take us seriously, but as we must pose as LDS, we may be damaging to the faith-promoting atmosphere of the University.


Don't bother trying to respond, the email address is a fake.  I just wanted to express my frustration with you.




So that's how it went down.  Hopefully they read it...


I realized recently that my temple recommend expires soon.  Not that I ever go anymore, but this is probably the last time I will be a "current temple recommend holder."  I looked up the questions just for kicks, and I would fail around half of them... all the ones that involve believing in stuff, plus the one about associating with people whose teachings or practices are not in harmony with the gospel.  The other ones I'm more or less pretty solid in, except maybe the one about striving to attend meetings... I couldn't honestly say I "strive" when I read books in my car every week during Elder's Quorum.