Tuesday, April 5, 2011

We Hate Thee, Oh God, For Your "Prophet"

Someone who I have come to consider a good friend approached me today and told me that, in a nutshell, he no longer believes in Mormonism or Christianity, and god isn't looking too hot either.  I have been pretty open with this friend about my own beliefs (or lack thereof).  I was surprised, because he was always debating me with the more Christian/Mormon stance, and while I had no intention of attacking his faith, I have always enjoyed a good debate.

We talked for a while today.  He told me about the hurt feelings he has, the immediate rift that has seemed to form between him and his family.  It was like I was listening to myself from just a few months ago.  To be honest, I'm still quite shell-shocked, and I hope things go better for my friend.

My feelings are mixed.  I am delighted at the prospect of having a friend around who thinks like me.  I remember how lonely I was all those months ago.  I'm also glad that myself and another friend were around and known to this friend of mine, so he can hopefully feel a little less alone.
At the same time, I feel a little sad.  I know it's stupid, but I feel like I helped get my friend into this process by being vocal about my own qualms with faith.  I don't want to destroy anyone's faith if it makes them happy, so I try to be careful.  In addition, I know how hard the process can be.  My life has gone to pieces in the last year, in some respects, and I wouldn't wish the emptiness and confusion I've felt on anyone.

I know I cussed and ranted about this recently, but this is what I feel the most anger about toward the church.  The fact that it lied to me for 20-something years, and I gave it everything, and now I can't even be open with the people around me because of the church.  There is a whole huge part of what I was that is gone, and I've spent the last several months gradually picking up the pieces.  I still have a long way to do.  How dare they do that to me?  How dare they do it to anyone?

Can I blame disillusionment on the perpetrators of the illusion?  I guess I can't really, since they are operating under the illusion themselves.  Except for Joseph Freaking Smith, and his freaking friends who helped him start a freaking false religion that would one day make so many miserable.  And even the credulous fools who followed them.
I was brought up to believe... I was trained pretty hard-core.  Those people?  My ancestors who joined the church?  They believed all the insane stuff the church claims after reaching adulthood and having a decent amount of experience.  Believed that charlatan Smith and his henchmen.

But... I guess we're all looking for something in life, and I can't fault someone who tries to find it.  After all, I held out for decades against frequent doubts, because it was all I knew to rely on.
So... I guess my ancestors did what was right by them, which is all we can ever ask.
Smith?  Power-grubbing deluded liar?  He sucked, and he was a scumbag.


  1. You know, I feel for your situation, and would be willing, if I knew you, to talk things over with you and be kind and supportive and hear you out (I'm a true-blue faithful Mormon). Except for then you get into the nastiness. Incredibly off-putting. Just a thought, if you're really trying to find listening ears.

  2. Sometimes I vent on my blog, because I'm frustrated. I get it out here so that I don't get mean and antagonistic out there in real life.

    I'm sorry if my stream-of-consciousness "nastiness" has offended you. I created this blog to pour my cathartic rants into.

    Today, I was upset that my friend is going through something that I know from experience is hard. I wanted someone to blame, and since I don't believe in Joseph Smith's divine calling, he seemed the natural target, the originator of the unfortunate situation.

    I don't hate people who believe. It is their prerogative. I am frustrated, though, that I and many others were taught to believe without ever questioning or considering other points of view.

    So, though I usually try to be civil and rational on this blog, I also sometimes use it to get out my rage at the injustice in the world. It will probably happen again. I'm sorry you're put off, but it is important to me to use this space as a place where I can express my thoughts as they are.
    I'm sorry it doesn't fit your ideal, but I'm through trying to fit ideals.

    Best wishes.

  3. Sometimes people can be so invested in the church that letting go can be amazingly painful. For me it was amazingly painful trying to hold on, once I let go, not easy, I felt great, and have been.

    But I know some people who really struggle trying to come to terms with their new beliefs, and others who it doesn't seem to phase them in any way.

    I think it's important to acknowledge that people will leave the church in different ways. I'm not sure why it is so hard for some, but I know that for me it was harder trying to make it work.