That's how my Japanese companions would have said it.
Normally, I stick to issues in this blog, but occasionally I just complain about life.
This is one of those times!
I used to pull a 4.0 almost every semester, and not in super easy classes, either. At the same time, I was working one or two jobs, and always taking at least 14 credits (as stipulated by the scholarship I once had...)
I was freaking good! I even managed to be social and pursue a few of my hobbies during that time!
Now? I can't do jack-shit. I'm already in school half-time, and I'm totally failing my classes. I suck at both of my current jobs, and I know at least one of my supervisors is a little frustrated by me. I avoid people a lot of days. I've been skipping class several times in a row recently. And these are classes I should like!
I don't help my wife around the house enough, either.
So maybe it's been a rough year, losing my religious beliefs and all. I'm still working on forming opinions and reconstructing my life plan based on this new information. I have no idea where my place is.
I'm on two drugs for depression to keep me from offing myself. I'm on one more drug to lessen the awful insomnia that has come along with everything else, and it makes me really groggy for the first part of the day.
I have no motivation, no dreams, really. Life is boring, a constant stress and anxiety but not interesting. The pills keep the edge off of the most horrible bits of depression, but they do nothing for my motivation. They just numb me, I guess. Which is still preferable to the alternative.
And I just know that if my more pious acquaintances read this, they would tell me that it is a direct result of my rejecting the gospel.
To anyone who might think that way: Yeah, my depression got really bad and I started sucking at life about the same time I finally started giving up on those beliefs.
BUT! There are lots of people who don't accept your precious gospel that do just fine in life. In fact, most happy people are probably not Mormon! Correlation is not causation, my friends.
And if this can be regarded as god's "punishment" for "betraying" him, god sucks. That god could have been a character in Mean Girls. I tried damn hard to contact this dude, and nothing meaningful came of it.
I think that religion is partially responsible for my becoming a complete basket case; I was raised with a firm belief in a worldview that I can no longer accept. My life plan, opinions, and actions were all made to fit this worldview and its supposed "truth." This huge chunk of what defined me is now completely, utterly gone.
Had I grown up learning, I don't know, that I should take what anyone sets up as absolute truth with a grain of salt, maybe I wouldn't have to go through this ongoing crisis. But I guess there's no use trying to shut that barn door now.
It was all a freaking lie! I mean, the people who told it to me almost certainly believed it, but the whole thing is a crock. I spent so much of my life on a freaking mythology. I bothered thousands of people in Japan, trying to persuade them to accept something for no good reason at all. I was a self-righteous little bastard as a kid, an adolescent, and even a young adult. Because I thought that I had the truth.
THERE IS ALMOST CERTAINLY NO CHRISTIAN GOD! JESUS CHRIST IS DEAD AND DECOMPOSED AND IS NOT COMING BACK! DAMN IT, WORLD, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE ME TO BELIEVE LIES?!
I spent two years in my prime and a lot of money on a DEAD GUY!
And now I have to suffer just because I happen to be interested in truth. Like my RELIGION freaking TAUGHT ME TO BE!
I don't intend to be a lifelong opponent of the church or anything... not my bag. Sure, I'll be a critic, and I'll be there in a blink for anyone is the process of becoming disillusioned. But I can sure as hell understand why so many ex-Mormons "can't leave the church alone."
The church sucked me dry! The church has helped ruin a good deal of my life! And they are doing the same to young people who might end up like me some day!
I hate religion. Normally I'm pretty level-headed about my atheism, but right now I'm obviously ranting and raving because all this shit has been building up inside me for a while. And right now I freaking HATE religion. And if there is a conscious omnipotent being who is basically human and actually pays attention to the world, he can go to hell (unless I'm there, then he can stay the hell out). Seriously... if the Christian god exists, he SUCKS. And he can go boil his holy head.
Okay, I took a minute and calmed down. Woof... I didn't really mean for this to turn into a rage-fest.
In any case, depression sucks, religion sucks, and life sucks. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 happiness. Reality is your jail, and you can't roll doubles in life.
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Hey Man,
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I have also seriously contemplated suicide because my wife just doesn't see what I see. It is so difficult to go through the process. I was angry for a long time (still could easily go there if I want to). It is so hard to go through. I write a blog but people who are tbm relatives can find it and associate it with me so I can't just vent openly like you were able to here. I have to resort to venting in my journal. It is so sad, too, that people who still believe can't understand the grieving process we are going through at all. They are quick to blame the problems on the lack of belief...which is so painful, especially coming from the people you love most in the world. All I can say is, there are people who have been down the road you are on and have made it a good experience. Hang in there! Have faith in life because it can always find a way. I hope this helps in some way. Best of luck!
Chris in Oregon
Yeah, everything that Chris in Oregon said... And it is a looong process. My depression finally began to lessen after I decided to be honest about how I feel to myself and my family. I still have a hard time feeling good a lot of the time, but I'm improving. I hope you can find a corner to turn to get you going in a good direction. Aaaah, what do I know. But good luck!
ReplyDeleteKevin in Washington
This is your in-law who went through the same stuff. I totally identify with your comments like, "This huge chunk of what defined me is now completely, utterly gone." The core of my identity -- my very lens for interpreting my world -- became obsolete, worthless, and even toxic to me. I came to abhor my own past and question what I had previously seen as the foundation for my life, cringing over the judgmental mindset, performance-based love, intellectual denial, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt's like carving out a diseased portion of your frontal lobe and living without the functionality normally associated with healthy brain tissue. That wound does not heal quickly, particularly without a replacement paradigm for making sense of life and finding meaning. It's extremely tempting to feel bitter about the people and institutions that introduced and nurtured the disease, even though they believed it was healthy. I've come to believe that it may even be healthy, or at least non-toxic, for some people in some situations. For me it is a cancer.
The wound will heal. I suspect it heals as fast as you can affirm a new sense of identity that you choose, rather than having it foisted upon you. Choosing an alternative framework for finding meaning and connection has taken a long time for me, but I see it as a critical step and hope it happens much quicker for you. I also believe it has to be a whole-person healing that includes emotional acceptance and peace, rather than only rational reconciliation. I suspect that the longer you stay behind a facade in a BYU-divided life, the uglier the wound. I look forward to that part of the story ending, for your sake.
I feel for you, I really do. I wish I could help.