Spinning My Wheels

I've written several posts lately and ended up not posting them.  It feels like I'm spinning my wheels as far as life is concerned...  I want to change the world but find myself impotent.

I feel trapped, for the most part.  My brother is getting married very soon, and my mother has been pressuring me to see if I can't get a temple recommend.  I think today I'm going to call her and tell her there is no way that is going to happen.

Anyone who says the church strengthens families is full of shit.  The church happily tears families apart when it suits the church's dogmas and agendas.


School blows.  I need to get out of this damn place, but I keep pushing back graduation because my damned depression has sabotaged my academic performance for the last two years.  I feel so fucking trapped that I entertain thoughts of offing myself every day.

I'm a wreck.  I suppose I'm a disgrace to atheists, agnostics, and apostates everywhere, because I've been consistently less happy since I gave up on faith.  But I'll be damned if I go back to believing contradictory statements simultaneously just to make myself feel better.
Damn the church and its lies.  It's like an addiction I can't get over, that feeling of absolute truth and simple moral reality.  The feeling of objective meaning.  Damn them all for promising peace where there is none.
Damn them for speaking of rest where there is only death.
Damn them for teaching me to hate myself for being less-than-perfect.
Damn them for their precious "Atonement" and "Grace" and all the other righteous bullshit that they use to tell those who suffer that their pain isn't real.
And damn me for taking it all so fucking seriously that I have been no more than half of a man ever since I figured out that all of it is fantasy.

Sometimes you forget about all the jacked-up stuff

So I just picked up "The Passion of Raptor Jesus and the Road to Mormon Apostasy" in the Amazon Kindle Store, and it's got me remembering all the weird crap that happens in the church.
This book, by the way, is really great.  It's hilarious and so incredibly accurate, at least about the experience of being a boy growing up active in the church.  However, if you can't handle some intense blasphemy and swearing, maybe you'd better steer clear.

**WARNING:  THE CONTENT BELOW CONTAINS SOME MOSTLY NON-SPECIFIC PERSONAL INFORMATION THAT SOME READERS MAY REGARD AS DECIDEDLY TOO MUCH.  LIKE MY BOYHOOD 'SINS.'  IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN STOP READING NOW, LAST WARNING.**

Anyway, it's totally true!  The invasive interviews about masturbation and all possible sexual violations... I remember being interviewed for my mission and a member of the stake presidency raking me over the coals over and over.  There was very little he didn't think to ask me about, and he commented that I'd clearly had a problem.  I had a problem?  Who didn't have a problem?!  I hadn't even jerked off in months and months, maybe even years at that point!  Sure, I was interested in the boobs of my female classmates, but hell, I had only kissed one girl, and her only like twice!  A "problem?"
That interview was specifically engineered to make me feel  like a lustful piece of crap, and I even knew it at the time.

And that interview was not an isolated sort of incident.  I spent my entire teenage experience knowing for a fact that I was going to hell because I could never go more than a few months without masturbating, even after I promised god through a whole straight hour of self-flagellating prayer never to do it again.  Every time I took the sacrament, I reminded myself that I was "drinking damnation to my soul."  I hated thinking about the Atonement because every time I screwed something up it was like I was personally tasering Jesus in the face, and since I was surely damned anyway his sacrifice was completely wasted.  I confessed over and over, but it never seemed to help.  I developed exercise regimens to stave off my horniness (hornocity?), I reported to my parents, I withheld things I liked when I screwed up, but it was all for naught.
Okay, and let's get something straight.  I never fooled around even a little with a girl.  This was not even my decision until maybe my junior, probably my senior year of high school.  I was a huge nerd and didn't know diddly about talking to the opposite sex.  But in my senior year I had one opportunity where I was quite confident that I could get laid, and I very deliberately went home despite being horny, lonely, and depressed.

Once in middle school I experienced attraction to another guy.  I admired him, but also he turned me on a little.  I worried for years that I was gay, and what would I do?  Maybe I turned myself gay by being such a pervert and fiddling with myself.  I never felt that sort of thing again, but I was very, very worried for a long time.  I can't imagine what it must be like to grow up in the church and actually feel that way consistently.  To you out there actually coping with those circumstance: you have my everlasting admiration.

Damn, I didn't mean for this to turn into my confessions, but man, it's amazing to think about this stuff now.  I spent my youth telling myself that I was a disgrace, a sinner, inadequate despite my most earnest and desperate efforts.


You'd think with such self-punishment, I must have been pretty damn sure the church was true, right?
Hell, no.  I had points in High School where I decided (temporarily) that the church must not be true.
Get this:  I had the opportunity to attend a temple open house as a teen.  What do I remember?  I remember looking into the endowment room and wondering what the little reddish LED banks in the ceiling were for.  I know now that they are for transmitting audio to the little translation-headphone setups, but at the time my first guess was some kind of hypnosis for brainwashing.  I had some serious repressed doubts about the church even then.

I assumed most of my youth that I would end up being a worthless apostate, starting with a failure to go on a mission.  Hell, I didn't want to go on a mission, I don't like being pushy, and I didn't have a testimony.
That's right, I never bore my testimony, even at EFY and Youth Conference when they whipped us up into a mucous-dripping frenzy with heart-wrenching videos about the Atonement.  I remember one year I was the only one in the whole room who didn't.  The counselors kept kind of not looking at me and asking if anyone else would like to take the opportunity...?

Once, in mutual, they had us write our testimonies in the inside covers of a bunch of copies of the Book of Mormon for the missionaries to distribute before we went caroling or something.  I stared at that inside cover until they were starting to load vehicles 15 minutes later, and then quietly slipped the book back into the unsigned pile, ashamed.  I didn't have a testimony, what was I supposed to write?

Even on my mission I had serious doubts.  In my first area, while we road our bikes from rejection to rejection I tried to justify the church to myself in vain.  Ultimately I classified these disheartening inner dialogues as "idle doubts" and decided that they were sinful, so I should avoid them.  Not thinking helped some, but I still wondered why, if our message was so great, did no one want to hear about it?  Why didn't we find the "prepared" no matter how hard we tried?
And throughout my mission, I came to understand that the "challenge" in Moroni was just a formality, and no one would ever actually feel anything even if they did read and pray.  Not that surprising, considering the fact that I never did, I guess.  Still, never did an investigator have a good experience with that.

Once, I had a painful flash of self-awareness when one of our long-term investigators admitted to us that she had joined two "cults" in the past, and that was why her husband didn't like us.  Were we a cult?  I was depressed for days.  I saw us for what we were: pushy, sneaky, even a little brainwashed.  No, I don't think the church is some psychotic organization with a secret slave trade, but you have got to admit that the training for missionaries is pretty dogmatic.  We were taught to basically shout down alternative opinions.


I never much liked the temple.  Chanting freaks me out, so I really disliked the prayer circle with its mumbling in a circle followed by the unsettling repetition by the group of everything one guys said.  Also, it's really freaking boring after the first time.  And, damn this is shallow, but I hated those stupid mushroom hats.
Do people actually enjoy that stuff, or do they just convince themselves that they must, otherwise why would they keep going?

I wonder occasionally if I'll go straight to hell on the off chance that it was all true.  After all, I was endowed.  Now I can't even remember my "new name"... I guess if I ever do have to get past those angels I'll just say "Dennis" and then ask real quick where the angel's from, what's it like there?


I've come a long way in the last year or two.  I don't hate the church or its members.  I don't get angry like I used to.  Still, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to entirely stop feeling quite hurt by the church and all it put me through.  Maybe I'm playing victim and wallowing in self-pity, I don't know.  Sometimes I wish I could convey to my younger brothers that screw the church, they are good boys.  If they don't want to go on missions, don't let the church bully them into it.  But I know it would have no effect except to push my family away.

Choosing Views

My political views are in a state of constant flux.  My many conservative friends and family would call me liberal, maybe even radical in a couple of areas.  Then again, my most liberal friends might not approve of "liberal" as a moniker for me.  After all, I am fiscally moderate and actually approve of the medical and pharmaceutical fields' work.  Hell, I'm actually kind of a libertarian in certain economic and individual rights issues.

Generally, I guess I side with the scientific community.  So yeah, I'm all about evolution, but I don't set much store by alternative medicine.

I guess I'm some kind of pragmatic materialist.

I'm not patriotic per se... I care very much about the welfare of US citizens and the goings on in this country, but I don't think the USA is the infallible beacon of all that is good that some others think.  I don't like the USA's extensive military presence and activity in the world.  Does that make my un-American?
I guess I don't care too much about being "American" or "un-American."  I'm mostly concerned with the happiness and suffering of people in general, not Americans in particular.

I guess it's a tricky question... is it moral for me to value those who happen to live close to me more than those who don't?  (Here I use "close" not exclusively in reference to distance.  Cultural experience and roots count, too)
On one hand, this assumption seems utterly immoral to me.  Why should other people be more important just because they happen to be more similar or at least close to me?
On the other, the world is too big to try to help every single person.  So I guess we should start at home?
I can't tell.  Hrmph.  Moral ambiguity is so tricky all the time.

Ah well, when I try to nail down my own political stances, I either have to laugh at the absurdity of it all or get really frustrated, so I'm practicing laughing.  Dead children... ba hahahahahahaaaa!

I've actually formulated the ideal political solution.  It's a version of democracy where people vote on basic moral statements, not policy.  Awesome, no?!
See, you just poll the entire population on what they value, getting a large base of simple moral statements that can be rationally extended into moral statements about potential policy.  Then, you enact the combination of policies that results in the highest overall moral satisfaction score!
What shall I call it?  Ethical... Ethos... Etho-rational democracy?  Or maybe Logo-moral self-representation...
And yes, I know it couldn't work  just like that.  Maybe I'll post on it later.

The GOP's Political Circus

I'm usually amused by the election process, but this set of Republican Primaries has been a show I won't soon forget.  The spotlight keeps shifting from ring to ring, highlighting the front-runner of the week while he or she does his or her song and dance, then moving on once we get bored of the act.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you'll give me your attention please, I'm proud to introduce to you our performers!

-Michelle "Fact-Check" Bachmann, the very same who brought you her serial-killer lineage returns to astound you with her absurd linking of vaccines and autism!

-Rick "Almost-There" Perry, an accomplished Texas clown bringing you all the hilarious charm of Larry, Curly, and.... what was that other one?

-Mitt "Why-Won't-They-Love-Me" Romney may actually say smart things once in a while, but that won't stop voters from despising the star of the children's book "A Mormon Fires a Who!"

-Rick "Sensitivity" Santorum, a delightfully frothy mixture of ignorant ethnocentrism and offensive analogies, you'll love this underdog who loses even when he wins!

-Ron "Won't-Leave" Paul, the batty old libertarian who won't go home no matter how much the GOP tries to hint that no matter what place he wins, he's overstayed his welcome!

-Newt "Rage-Potato" Gingrich, a fun, lumpy bag of infidelity and spite, this firecracker will wow your with his whining, awe you with his audacity, and astound you with his asshole comments about minorities!

And while you watch those acts, don't forget to glance at the darkened ring in the corner to pretend to see Herman "999-Harassment-Cases" Cain and John "Who-Am-I" Huntsman!



Seriously, this would be really funny as a comic strip or Sandler-Style late-night comedy, but as reality it is beyond hilarious.

The Healing Process

It has been months and months since I last successfully posted.  I have written a few drafts that will probably never see the light of day.  I think what I really needed was some time to step back and let some of the hurt I felt at losing my faith really start to heal over.

For the most part, I'm not angry anymore.  The only times I'm even irked are in Sunday School (I just can stand listening to logical fallacies stated as if they were sound reason for an hour at a time) and occasionally when I see friends inadvertently hurt by elements of church culture (which I admit is a problem with specific people, not the actual theology or organization of the church proper).

I have begun to admit to more people my lack of belief more than ever before, and I feel like I don't have to be very defensive about it.  I mean, I don't tell everyone I see, but I find that most folks are quite accepting when I explain myself.

I still try to keep my mind open to the possibility that I've missed something.  Maybe the LDS church is true after all?  I still doubt it as much as ever, but I don't want to miss truth regardless of its potential effect on my ego.

My most recent experiment with prayer involved a 6-sided die: I would pray, carefully explaining that in my pride I was having difficulty getting answers and maybe instead of waiting I should come up with a suggestion like the brother of Jared, so I asked if God couldn't help me predict the outcome of a die roll with statistical significance.  I'd pray before each roll and conducted a large number of trials, but ultimately the results were very bland indeed: I successfully predicted the roll just barely under 1/6 of the time.
Blasphemous?  I don't know, but I thought if I had an idea I might as well give it a shot.  Can't be any more blasphemous than myself of a year ago shaking my fist at the sky and daring God in filthy language to strike me down to hell immediately.

Was with my family for Christmas, it was really great.  Had only one major religious discussion with my parents, and it went very smoothly, considering.  I think their hopes for my swift reconversion are a little higher than is justified, but they are very accepting of me.

Revisiting the Watchmaker - Bayes' Theorem

I have previously explained the watchmaker argument and the inherent circularity, but I thought I would expand my objections with a bit more mathematical rigor.

As a brief review, the watchmaker argument involves a cute little story about finding a beautiful gold watch in the middle of nowhere and, how silly it is to conclude that the watch was not manufactured by some intelligent being.
The main thrust of this argument is this:  the likelihood of the existence of a complex universe containing life is very small if there is no intelligence to deliberately create it.

Now I will briefly explain Bayes' theorem.
If P(A|B) is the probability of A given B
and P(A) is the independent probability of A (not given any other variables),

Then P(A|B) = P(B|A)*P(A)/P(B).

Now, let's look at the watchmaker argument.  We have two propositions:
G = God Exists
L = Life Exists (in a complex universe)
(Not G is written ~G)


We are to assume, from the argument, that P(L|G) is much, much larger than P(L|~G).  This is debatable, but there are some arguments in favor of this.
The watchmaker argument would have you believe that P(G|L) is large because P(L|~G) is so small, that is, if there is life, god likely exists because life is so unlikely to exist without god.  Essentially, the statement is that P(G|L) = 1 - P(~G|L) = (approx) 1 - P(L|~G).

However, inverse probabilities are not so simple as this naive argument would have you believe.  In reality:
P(G|L) = 1 - P(~G|L) =  1 - P(L|~G)*P(~G)/P(L).
What we don't know here is the relative magnitude of P(L|~G)*P(~G)/P(L), because the likelihood of god's existence (independent of other variables) is unknown.  Therefore, no conclusions can be drawn.  If P(L|~G)*P(~G)/P(L) is close to 1, then P(G|L) is actually very small, close to zero.

Now, I think I've made my point, but I'd like to venture into the realm of speculation now, so take this as you will.
Does god count as life?  If so, then P(G) < P(L) assuming that life besides god can possibly exist.
If that is the case, then P(G)/P(L) < 1, so P(G|L) = P(L|G)*P(G)/P(L) < P(L|G).
This gives us the rather minor conclusion that life must give god's chance less of a boost than god give's life's chance.  Thus, the watchmaker argument is inherently weaker than it purports to be.

Changes

I haven't been writing much at all lately.  To be perfectly honest, things have been changing rapidly in the last few weeks.

I'm happier, for one thing.  I have motivation once again to get things done,  and I can take satisfaction in my work, something that seems pretty novel after months of deep depression.
I'm on good terms with my family, and I'm open about how I feel about religion.  I am actually trying to be friendly at church... if I'm going to remain more or less active for my wife's sake, I guess I'd better start learning to be comfortable in the community.

My political views have been evolving as well.  I have actually been thinking a lot about libertarianism and the role of government lately... something I have avoided doing out of sheer horror at the obnoxiously-uninformed rhetoric of the teabaggers.  Not that I'm becoming libertarian, but I feel that it's healthy to seriously consider views other than those I've become accustomed to holding.
To be perfectly honest, I've actually become more pessimistic, politically.  I don't feel like there is anything that can be done at this point to save our civilization... our society is consuming resources and energy at ever-higher rates despite the decreasing cost-effectiveness of all of our resource-gathering operations.  But I suppose all civilizations must fall.
I may write more about all this later... I'm still considering a lot of things.


I have been taken by surprise at how quickly things seem to change.  I'm almost afraid of the feelings of hope and contentedness that I have recently begun to experience... like I can't trust them.  Maybe I can't, maybe life sucks and I'm only in denial if I feel otherwise.  I'm still not convinced that life can have any meaning... but at least I'm enjoying it a little, now.  Perhaps what I'm most afraid of is a loss of objectivity... I have no desire to simply become caught-up in my own affairs to the point at which I'm not thinking constantly and thoroughly about the state of the world around me.
I'm still not completely convinced that a healthy mind is a sane mind.

Rebellion, or Something More?

It has been a very eventful and draining few weeks, and I haven't posted on here in a while.  I do, however, have a lot of things I've been thinking about.

I've had the chance to talk recently with some people pretty frankly about my lack of a testimony.  It's awkward to have to tell people (when they seem like they might invite me to go to the temple) "um... I should probably let you know that I don't have a temple recommend."  I always follow it up with "I'm not involved in anything horrible, I just don't have a testimony and can't answer 'yes' to the questions about belief in the interview."  I don't know exactly why I feel like I have to justify myself in this way.  I guess, with most of my family and friends being strongly Mormon, I don't want to be seen as "weak and sinful" so much as "questioning."

I really don't think the church is correct.  It's history is filled with silly inconsistencies, and it's doctrine doesn't seem to match what I perceive as true.  I was told recently that it is silly to judge the church based on statements by a previous, imperfect prophet (like Brigham Young, who even Mormons will admit had some wacky ideas).  I defended myself by saying that yes, but if there is going to be an ultimate source of "revelation" on the Earth, it had damn-well better stick out in some way.  I don't find that the LDS "prophets" tend to be much more correct in their statements, predictions, and assertions than any other person claiming to be in close contact with god.

I guess what has really been hitting me is the fact that I'm probably never going to believe in the church again (or god, for that matter), and that is going to have a profound impact on my relationship with my family and friends.  Many in my family will always think somewhat less of me because of it.  I will be excluded from family events and activities, like temple weddings.  I really love my family, and it makes me sad that my lack of belief puts distance between them and me.  It's almost enough to make me want to pretend to believe, just so I can avoid all of that.
But, I just can't live a lie.  The LDS church is very likely based on fiction, as far as I can tell.  I am interested in truth, and I want to seek truth, not accept (or even pretend to accept) what some others around me insist is truth. 

I've had moments of extreme elation as I've learned to think for myself and question my own unfounded beliefs, but it's definitely not all fun and games.  I know there is a certain entertainment I get from the rebellious aspect of the change in my life, but this is not about rebellion, ultimately.  I am very sad, sometimes, that I will never be to my family what I could be if I just never questioned the religion of my upbringing.  At these times, I review my present conclusions, earnestly trying to determine whether maybe I'm just being rebellious or have some other ulterior motive for my lack of belief.  I haven't once concluded that this is the case... I have very real reasons for doubting god's existence, and I just couldn't go back to believing given my present knowledge and experiences.  I need integrity.

The Curious Case of Korihor

Korihor is a character who turns up in the Book of Mormon in Alma 30.

Korihor is an atheist.  He works hard to try to tell people that they don't have very good reasons to believe what they believe, and maybe they'd better take a good look at their leaders and their beliefs.  He tells them that Christ will not come, because why would you believe someone who says he knows the future?

Korihor ends up having a showdown with Alma.  Korihor welcomes to opportunity for dialogue, and explains why he is trying to get people to doubt the gospel.  Eventually, Korihor keeps saying that he won't believe in god without proof, so Alma gives him proof... he strikes him dumb by god's power!

Here is where the nefarious aspect of Korihor's story comes out.  Alma accuses Korihor of lying about Alma and other church leaders' taking advantage of the people, while in actuality they don't get a dime for their service.  The account seems to support this accusation.  Alma also says "can you prove that there isn't a god?" and Korihor is duped.  Finally, the truth comes out: Korihor had been approached by Satan (in the deceptive guise of an angel) and set on his blasphemous task.  He is the literal, willing servant of Satan, who manages to preach so subtly that even he starts believing his own lies.

Korihor is a very cleverly-made caricature of a skeptic.  Initially, his arguments seems reasonable enough, and he seems to be concerned for the welfare of his fellow citizens.  However, the righteous servants of god soon reveal that he is a fake who is literally in the employ of Satan himself.
The beauty of the Korihor story is that it gives LDS theology a delightful straw-man with which to equate all atheists, skeptics, and critics.  Sure, these people might seem like they are honestly out to make a point, but they are all really just working for Satan for their own selfish purposes.

Now, I can't honestly speak for all atheists, critics, and skeptics.  But I consider myself a skeptic, atheist, and critic of religion, and I haven't seen any angels.  I know some accuse the leaders of the church of taking the money of the church and enjoying their positions of power, but I honestly think that they probably work pretty hard for what they believe is right and correct, and don't get all that wealthy doing it.  I don't find a whole lot of similarity between Korihor and myself.  I'm content to leave those who are not interested in skeptical inquiry alone.  I haven't talked to Satan lately.
But I do happen to agree with Korihor on a few points.  I don't feel that there is sufficient evidence generally available to justify the insistence on the existence of some intelligent, paternal god.  I fear that religious leaders intentionally obfuscate the issues with their rhetoric, though I think that in many cases their intentions are good enough.

The point of Korihor is to show the LDS church that all those who criticize their unquestioning belief must be evil satanists with ulterior motives.  I must be just like Korihor, right?  The thing that makes Korihor really effective is his humanity, his believability as he is introduced in the text.  Subtly and slowly, it is revealed what a real liar he is.  If he had been presented immediately as a satanic man with clear ambitions of power and influence, he would be hard to compare to a lot of skeptics out there, but as he starts off as a more believable character, it is easier to equate actual skeptics with him and then assume that they are hiding similarly-nasty secrets.

All-in-all, the story of Korihor is a master stroke in creating preconceived prejudice against those of a more skeptical nature.

Hooray for America

Osama Bin Laden is dead!  Whoopdy-hoo!

We managed to kill the guy we wanted dead, and it only cost thousands of American lives (not to mention the casualties on the other side), trillions of taxpayer dollars, and the respect of the international community.

But, of course, we are completely justified in calling for the blood of such a bloodthirsty killer, right?  He killed Americans, so he's evil, and we killed him and his buddies, so we're heroic, strong, and brave.




After all, we're a Christian nation, right?  And Christianity is all about revenge.
Matthew 5:39 -  “Whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him [and rip his freaking head off!]”

America: ruthlessly disposing of and dancing on the graves of those who oppose us since 1776.