It's been a while since I've written here, and I just came back and read some of my posts and am struck with how different I feel these days. I'm no optimist or anything, but I no longer feel the same as I did when writing as my pessimistic and angry past posts. Maybe I'll be there again, but for now I feel okay with living, and I feel that way pretty consistently.
I'm a lot less angry about religion and the Church, too. Still don't believe in it, and I'm certainly still a bit upset when people say really insensitive things to me or others. Still, a certain calmness has taken over: I think my investment in what the church taught me has faded enough for me to let it go. It's like it can no longer touch me like it used to... that part is pretty great, I gotta admit.
Strange how things change. I don't wish I could go back and tell my past self that things will get better, because in those moments that doesn't really make a difference to the depressed party. I don't know a whole lot that that guy didn't.
I worry a little that I've lost something valuable along with that desperate, dark depression. Maybe my perspective has narrowed without of it, or my interest in truth has atrophied. Not sure; I was pretty convinced while so depressed that my perspective was raw and accurate, and I'm not convinced now that I was totally wrong about that. Not that I want to go back... too tired.
What has precipitated this change? No idea. Wish I knew. It's a little upsetting that I'm so powerless before factors I haven't even identified, but mostly I'm just glad to be able to rest.