Thursday, March 22, 2012


Dear God,

I'm still upset with you for creating me without my permission, but I suppose I should let bygones be bygones.

Anyway, I thought I'd let you know that I like what you've done with the universe in general; it's a very pretty and interesting place in most regards.

That being said, I wish you'd tell your followers to stop being dicks.  I mean, lots of them are nice people, but lots of others do mean things in your name.  Can't you publicly express your disapproval or something?  A press release or something?  I mean, the McDonald's corporation would do it in your circumstances, and I'd think that your public image would be a little more important than theirs.

Anyway, the human condition still sucks and I still don't buy your excuses trying to shove the blame off on free will or Satan or any of that.  Also, Jesus has been "about to come back" for a couple thousand years now, and lots of folks are starting to doubt your priorities.  It's all fine and good for you to want to screw up the U.S. educational system through due political process, but if you can't get your kid out the door on time you might want to focus on such immediate concerns first.

All in all, it's getting more and more difficult for anyone to believe what you say, what with the broken promises and constant flip-flopping, not to mention your constant refusal to comment through any means other than various nutjobs who make mutually-exclusive claims.  I know you're master of the universe and everything, but that doesn't mean you can completely neglect PR.

A Concerned Citizen of the Universe

P.S.  I'm still willing to believe in you if you decide to answer any of all those prayers, but the answer had better be distinguishable from placebo, wishful thinking, or coincidence.  My standards really aren't that high, I'm only insisting on credible confirmation, not a magic backwoods light-show or angel Moroni in a towel or anything.


  1. Let us know if you hear back. I'm sure this will go through a few angels before it gets to Him. Heaven is quite the bureaucracy, or so I've heard.

  2. Maybe he's just giving us the silent treatment. Cuz, you know, that always helps.

    Maybe he's off on a business trip creating some other planet.

    Maybe he and heavenly mother broke up and our universe is struggling so much because it's being raised by a single parent.

    1. Love the last one especially!

      See, this is what happens when fathers get custody. Can I go live with mom now? I hear she actually pays attention to the kids she ended up with.