Thursday, December 23, 2010


I have noticed, as I've slowly adapted to the idea that I don't believe in god, that my dreams have changed a bit.

For some background, I'm on some medication that gives me vivid, unpleasant dreams sometimes.  At first, I had nightmares every night and woke up upset and disturbed, but after a while it calmed down to what it is now: most nights I have at least one vivid dream about something I'm anxious about.  This includes grades, social slip-ups, etc.  I wake up sweating and nervous, but get over it almost immediately.

One interesting aspect of this side-effect is that it very clearly reveals my anxieties on an almost daily basis.
One of the major themes?  Bieng outed as the godless atheist that I am.
I've dreamed about being called in to the bishop.  Crap!  I might lose my endorsement at BYU!
I've worried about being rejected by my brother, who is my best buddy, but who is currently Mr. SuperMissionary and comes home in 5 months.
I think my parents have even been in there, even though they have an inkling of how "misled" I am.

I don't want my professors to know, because it could affect my letters of recommendation when it comes time to apply for grad programs.  I'd prefer to keep it from most of my friends, and all of my ward members (ugh, can you imagine the unwanted attention in the form of efforts to "fellowship" me?).

Maybe someday I can be more open.  Definitely when I'm out of BYU my academic future will no longer ride so much on my religious beliefs.  In grad school I'll probably not be expected to believe a certain thing by everyone around me.  But for now it makes me a little uptight.

My mom talked about my brother-in-law Rob the other day, and warned me that I should probably avoid his blog because it "doesn't have a good spirit about it."  This, of course, is Mormon for "it does not support the church wholeheartedly or reject doubt outright."
It made me want to laugh, actually.  Seriously?  Good thing you don't know about my blog, Mom.  Rob's is pretty benign compared to mine; he's very civil and measured in his writing.  I, on the other hand, rant and rave and blaspheme on a regular basis.  This is where I vent when I don't want to try to argue with people.

I wonder if my parents will ever happen upon this blog.  It's not impossible by any means; there are a number of ways they might find it.  If they do, it might be trouble.  They may have an inkling of my atheism, but they probably don't know how rabid and antagonistic toward god and religion I can be sometimes.


  1. [Found your blog at MSP] Yay for deconverted BYU physicists! My bf is a physics grad student at the U.

    Anyway, just wanted to say I can relate to new anxieties associated with new agnosticism/atheism. Although my set of anxieties are different than yours, I understand in a way. I hope you don't have to hide your true feelings for too much longer. Good luck!

  2. heyya! that's what i thought. I'm in the same boat if that wasn't clear everytime we get in a conversation. Don't worry, my lab partners cool with it, if she's looking-your classmate

  3. Heyya, same classmate as before (not gonna put my name for obvious reasons). So, before when I posted here I was busy with lab and stuff and I was mainly looking for confirmation of what I suspected. If you're worried about being outed, I can totally relate. We should hang. Most of my friends know my own apostate ways and are ok with them. Hit my up in class if you want.

  4. I suspected as much, of course. Didn't want to ask you outright, for the aforementioned reasons.
    We totally should hang. I know some others, too, that I could probably introduce you to.

  5. I take seroquel, and when I first started taking it, and whenever my dosage gets adjusted upwards, I have the most insane dreams, and feel exhausted all the time. You have my sympathies--drug induced dreams are vivid and can be really un-fun.

    Great blog--I just found you.