I was just noticing that I have never felt something so close to conviction, fervor, and zeal as I have recently. I always had an uneasiness in the back of my mind when participating in and even promoting the church my parents raised me in. Vague awareness of the cognitive dissonance. But now, I feel so liberated. It just feels right to admit to myself that I think that this religion is false, as all others probably are. Just accepting the fact that I think Joseph Smith was a charlatan is so amazing compared to always pushing back the sinking doubts about his weird stories and dubious character (even back when I avoided anything not published by the LDS church about Smith, regarding it, like a good Mormon, as diseased lies from the devil).
If I were ever to admit this to my parents or church leaders, they would chastise me, I'm sure. I guess I can't blame them, that's what they're supposed to do based on their convictions.
But being at a religious university, surrounded by Mormon professors and Mormon classmates in a predominantly Mormon area, there is no one with which to share this joy I feel in my freedom to think. It's damned lonely.
I thought Satan was supposed to use peer pressure and loneliness to encourage me to apostatize.