Saturday, September 15, 2012

The Keebler Elves: Defilers of all that is Good

I saw a Keebler commercial recently in which the head elf (the one who looks like Newt Gingrich) explains that all of the goodness contained in their cookies comes from the good and kind things people (like you and me!) do.  Each time that happens, some kind of metaphysical "goodness" is captured and mixed in with the cookies.  This (and not sugar and fats) explains the excellent taste.

I couldn't believe it... the elves have always been obnoxious corporate facades for a cold, calculating profit machine mass-producing diabetes bullets, but that doesn't bother me.  This... this is PURE EVIL.

Somehow, someone somewhere decided it would be cute to imply that the very moral essence of all good acts is coldly snatched from the air by animated cookie minions.  Without the permission (or even notification!) of the originator of this "goodness," it is processed and baked into cookies so some cookie magnate somewhere can buy cocaine for his poodle.  The goodness does not spread more morality or kindness... it spreads chocolaty goodness.  If you're lucky, the very essence of your kindness helped calm a squalling infant.  More likely, it was used to entice millions of Americans to eat "just one more" enough times that your kindness is far outweighed by the idiotic rage in politics about rising health care costs.

That's right, the Keebler elves are not guilty as something so simple as co-opting your morality for themselves.  No, if that was the issue here, they'd only be as evil as most authoritative religions.
No, the elves are raping the very spirit of morality and kindness, and using it to fuel the narcissistic self-destruction of mankind.  Satan himself must weep in envy of such power!

In all seriousness, I know they can't do what they claim to do.  And I'm so glad, because if they could, putting the powdered remains of aborted fetuses into their cookies would be a morally-preferable option.

1 comment:

  1. And apparently the kids meals at McDonalds make you "Happy"....either that or the meals themselves are happy, until consumed I am guessing