I'm usually amused by the election process, but this set of Republican Primaries has been a show I won't soon forget. The spotlight keeps shifting from ring to ring, highlighting the front-runner of the week while he or she does his or her song and dance, then moving on once we get bored of the act.
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you'll give me your attention please, I'm proud to introduce to you our performers!
-Michelle "Fact-Check" Bachmann, the very same who brought you her serial-killer lineage returns to astound you with her absurd linking of vaccines and autism!
-Rick "Almost-There" Perry, an accomplished Texas clown bringing you all the hilarious charm of Larry, Curly, and.... what was that other one?
-Mitt "Why-Won't-They-Love-Me" Romney may actually say smart things once in a while, but that won't stop voters from despising the star of the children's book "A Mormon Fires a Who!"
-Rick "Sensitivity" Santorum, a delightfully frothy mixture of ignorant ethnocentrism and offensive analogies, you'll love this underdog who loses even when he wins!
-Ron "Won't-Leave" Paul, the batty old libertarian who won't go home no matter how much the GOP tries to hint that no matter what place he wins, he's overstayed his welcome!
-Newt "Rage-Potato" Gingrich, a fun, lumpy bag of infidelity and spite, this firecracker will wow your with his whining, awe you with his audacity, and astound you with his asshole comments about minorities!
And while you watch those acts, don't forget to glance at the darkened ring in the corner to pretend to see Herman "999-Harassment-Cases" Cain and John "Who-Am-I" Huntsman!
Seriously, this would be really funny as a comic strip or Sandler-Style late-night comedy, but as reality it is beyond hilarious.